There are always more than two sides to a story, more than just Good against Evil, no matter the victor. All acts affect everything else in the universe, in ways we don’t always comprehend, even as we try to label and categorise them. But in the end, the universe has a balance which cannot be changed. In the beginning, there was nothing. In the end, all that will remain is nothing. Everything else is fluctuation and change, all ultimately adding up to nothing again. One could assign positive effects to Good, and negative effects to Evil. But from the perspective of any living being in this universe, no single act only ever affects a positive change.

The natural state of Everything is Nothing. All things add up to null and void. Every action is balanced out eventually. Religions have tried to explain this, but ultimately it comes down to physics. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The best we can hope for is a local maximum, in mathematical terms. And that is what many of us choose to strive for. Mathematically, ‘many of us’ are 50% of ‘all of us’. Half, a balance. Mankind is not by definition Evil, nor is it Good. Mankind is. And it will be until it is no longer.

That is exactly how I choose to live my life. Everything matters, exactly because by the end of it, it will become Nothing. It’s all we have. And for every action I take, somewhere, somewhen, an equal but opposite reaction will occur. Knowing this, I will make choices that will benefit myself and those around me. Knowing that somewhere, somewhen, something will occur to make up for this local maximum. Because in the end, Everything will become Nothing.

By this reasoning, one might think heroes are the true villains. But Good and Evil do not exist. Everything balances itself out. All we know is the world we live in, and this is all we can knowingly affect and influence. 50% of us will have a negative effect on Everything, 50% of us will have a positive effect. In the end, it doesn’t matter. But right now, it matters to those of us who know this. But in terms of Good against Evil, consider this: If you choose to affect your world negatively, you will be directly responsible for misery to those around you.

Life is inherently destructive because it is stronger than anything else. Life is what affects the Scales of Everything and Nothing. It will, eventually, destroy everything. Which is exactly why we should strive to go against our nature. Me, I’ll strive to do ‘Good’, to affect life around me in a positive way. Because, for all I know, the Universe will balance this out by destroying a sun in an empty part of the Universe, where it will harm no-one able to experience suffering. The net effect of Everything will be Nothing, but this tells us nothing of the net effect of Every Little Thing. Time will balance everything out, but it is not sentient, nor sapient.

I’m not certain about a lot of things, in fact pretty much everything is just one big guess to me. But I do believe in Hope. I see Hope as a driving force of all living things, no matter how destructive we are. Something, somewhere, started this imbalance, this flux state of Nothing into Everything. Something created Life, even if its sole purpose is to return Everything to Nothing. Let’s just try to make it last. Everything is all we’ve got.

Machinae Supremacy – Timeline

Imagine a future where instead of facing Death, you face a choice. Either you die, or your conscience gets uploaded into a machine. A machine inside of which you control your own universe. You would literally be a deus ex machina. A god (and a ghost) of the machine. You could create any virtual reality you desire, with no limits beyond your own imagination. Would you feel free? Or would you always remember the fact you live inside a machine, never to step out of your own boundless, infinite universe? You would be stuck in a universe of your own creation, unable to get out, unable to get away. Knowing that out there is another universe, another reality, one you left behind. One beyond your control.

Omnipotence is, in that sense, more restrictive than our own limited abilities. If only because we don’t control everything. This gives us a freedom no God could ever have. We don’t know everything, we can’t do everything. This gives us the means to explore and to discover. A God knows every single part of his cage, because he was the one to build it. It’s sometimes said that the most effective prison, the most effective punishment, is imagined by he who should receive it. In a sense, this is true. Once you know everything, all hope is lost. Once every little detail of something is known to you, you can no longer escape it. There will be nothing ‘new’, nothing to distract or escape to.

Being left alone in a cage, even one you can fill with whatever you please, will eventually destroy your hope. The only escape would be the brief interactions with the world outside, the things you can’t control. The things you haven’t known forever. Many would initially think omniscience, omnipotence would be a gift. Knowledge is power, but like many things, once something approaches infinity, it loses all meaning. Instead, it becomes a cold, soulless, abstract thing. With infinite knowledge and power comes the loss of emotion. The loss of true life, of discovery and learning.

To become a God is worse than Death, because it requires you to give up not just your life, but your soul. Rather than become oblivious, you lock yourself into a cage forevermore, to never again be truly free. I have no desire to become God, or even immortal. I wish to merely live long enough to discover the universe, learn its secrets, only to fade away into nothingness. To start over, perhaps, in a different universe. It seems, in my limited knowledge of any religion, that Western philosophies would put us each into gilded cages, whereas the oriental ideas take into account the limitations required for freedom.

I have no idea if any religion is in any way correct, but I’d like to believe my own beliefs are true. Like anyone else, I suppose. But I find I don’t need to be ‘right’ to live a worthwhile life, even if I don’t live forever. I intend to live long enough to be happy, not so long as to stop being able to learn. Imposing my beliefs on others would change nothing of either my own, or their future. Except in that it wastes the time we have now, to discover, to learn, and to be happy.

The things that happen every moment are at once so simple and so complex that we can’t comprehend what it takes for us to ‘simply’ breathe. We know the rough process of our lungs contracting and relaxing to suck in and expel air, but we’re not quite sure how all of that works, how every individual cell does its part, how they all know when or what to do. We just have vague ideas, ones only a precious few of us indulge themselves in discovering.

Most of us just exist, content to leave the ‘why’ behind, to instead find meaning in other things. Things like art, beauty, abstract concepts that somehow came into being through endless iterations of the simplest of events, on the smallest of scales. When you imagine atoms, have you ever imagined that every single atom has its own story to tell, unique in every way, just like you? Perhaps the tale is slightly less complex, in some ways, but in others it’s just as unbelievable. Consider that every atom of your body once belonged to something else, and will again some time in the future. They live longer lives than we will.

Humans… Complex creatures, but at our core we’re made of simple stories.

“The universe is made of stories, not atoms.” – Muriel Rukeyser

Add to that a constant flow of random ideas that are hard to mesh together, it’s hard to stick to one thing at a time.

Here’s another one of those ideas:

Two hundred years after the Eclipse, Earth has become a world where technology is no longer mankind’s greatest achievement, but its greatest downfall. After the first Solar Flares, the world experienced a technological blackout that soon became known as the Eclipse. During this event, the first of many Uprisings began, with many different groups – religious, political, military and otherwise – seeking to gain control of our shattered civilizations.

This new, fledgling world, orphaned by its own birth, would give rise to a new age of magic to replace what was lost in the destruction wrought by the many groups who tried in vain to save a world that could no longer be sustained.

For example, if I were to speak of you, to tell you how I see you, I would never truly capture what I perceive you to be, just how my perceptions are never quite enough to describe who you know yourself to be. I could not even describe to you the way my heart beats, at least not in a way that captures every single nuance and emotion attached to the simple contracting of muscles that were designed to keep me alive.

There is nothing which can be described accurately, nothing that we even perceive fully and completely. But we still try, every chance we get. Prose, poetry, music, or just scribblings on a bathroom wall; every word expresses a nuance crying out against the limitations of our perception and expression. We may not even be aware of it when we’re speaking, how difficult it is to get our thoughts across. We just ignore that niggling feeling that something in our words is missing.

Sometimes, however, the things we can’t say out loud are expressed nonetheless in subtle ways — through subtext, context and more importantly, connotation. Every word, every sound carries its own feelings with it. Throughout our lifetimes we learn the meaning of words, long after we’ve figured out the definitions. Every new experience affects our vocabulary in ways we often aren’t aware of.

It’s often said that to explain a joke, it loses its meaning and will never be fully understood by the one you explain it to. This is precisely why writing is exceedingly difficult. Writers need to figure out those nuances, those hidden meanings, in everything they put to paper. To convert blots of ink on a piece of paper — pixels on a screen — with so many intrinsic and extrinsic meanings. To put to paper things which can mean completely different things only by the way they’re spoken is a task that’s very often similar to the act of explaining a joke.

It’s the things that aren’t said that often shape the meaning of the things we do say.  Even in writing this, I’ve said a thousand different things to every person who’ll ever read these words. What you take away from this little essay is altogether different from what anyone else learns from it. There are meanings hidden away that only people with certain experiences can see — things I didn’t even see in writing this. But that is part of the beauty of words. They mean more than we’ll ever know, even if we were to live forever.

Words are more alive than we give them credit for.

A language, yes, not of science, but of magic. Because, in many ways, the two are the same, yet polar opposites. One describes the Laws, the other the Nature of them. But one without the other is virtually meaningless. Law without Nature lacks flavour, Nature without Law lacks substance. And it’s up to us humans, as well as any other sentient lifeforms, to find the balance, to discover both the science and the magic behind our Universe.

We’ve only just started expressing these Laws in a coherent manner… But have we even found a language to express their Nature?

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
- Samuel Beckett

We are not without flaws, or mistakes. They’re what make us unique, together with our positive  elements. It’s the mistakes we learn from, the flaws we improve upon, that allow us to grow. Without them, we would exist, nothing more. We wouldn’t live, or even be alive, truly, in the sense that life is worth living. Without our flaws, we have nothing to gain in being alive, nothing at all.

Perfection is a noble goal to strive for, but a sad goal indeed to have reached. For what’s left to do, after attaining perfection itself?

“He bested the heroes, killed the defenders, overtook the world. Then he killed the narrator and he was the villain no more.”
- Vijayendra Mohanty

The lingering concept that emotion lies in the heart, not in the mind, is one which always leaves me with a sort of amusement.

It’s the organ that makes us bleed when we’re cut, which drives us past our own strength in the moments we need it. It’s the organ that gives life to everything we do, good or evil. We try to control it, but in the end, not even our minds can change the heart. No amount of rationality can change what we feel.

The only thing we can do is drown out what we feel, to the point we think we no longer feel at all. But the blades that cut us don’t lose their sharpness by our will alone.

The reason negative emotions linger is because unlike cuts and bruises, they can’t be healed with time, just pushed away by other emotions. Over the course of a lifetime, love and resentment grow constantly. They don’t diminish. They linger even if they are forgotten by the mind, both the good and the bad.

But it’s the bad we feel most, because that’s what makes us bleed, what makes us lose ourselves to apathy and injury. Negative emotion leaves visible scars, while positive emotion leaves no visible signs behind for us to remember them by.

I have brought this upon myself; this endless downpour, this storm beyond words wreaking havoc on the very soul I sought to complete. The human soul was never made to be two things all at once. To be the ever-burning flame and the endless rain washing down upon it. I don’t remember when this pain all started, nor do I know when it will end. Perhaps from birth ’til death, I couldn’t tell you. I’ve lived with it for as long as I remember, only finding solace in fleeting moments that pass by between heartbeats.

I can’t tell you what’s missing that keeps me from finding my answers, because that’s the very question I have. Why are we born broken into a world just as broken as we are, if nothing we do can fix the broken realities that we tried to bend to our will and whimsy; can you tell me?

Contradictions are synonymous to the soul. It is, after all, harbour to both rationality and emotion, vessels which can withstand the greatest adversaries but can break apart at the merest whispered word. Whatever desires fuel the soul, it will exist for as long as these desires exist, regardless of their impact on reality. At least, until these desires are shattered, be it by destroying the illusions that created them, or quite simply a lack of nourishment.

The light behind a person’s eyes can be snuffed out without any physical reason, or burn brighter the more it has to endure. It can be defined by a single moment that encompasses an entire lifetime. It can sometimes be expressed in a single word, but sometimes the universe itself is not enough to describe it.

This, to me, is the human soul.

Just lingering ideas, lingering thoughts, forming patterns that don’t make any sense, that don’t really belong, that fit in a puzzle that isn’t actually there, but may have been if things were different.

We don’t always know where the future will find us, except that it’ll somehow fit into that bigger picture. No matter how out of place things seem to be, if they didn’t belong, they wouldn’t be. Even if the only place they are is in your own mind.

Think about what happens every day, and you’ll find there are more patterns than you’d expect. Some good, some bad, some you can change, some you can’t. Look for the ones you can change for the better. But take care not to be changed by the ones you can’t change, simply because you noticed them.

Patterns exist everywhere, but they don’t always mean anything. It’s up to you to decide what’s out there.

Take care.

There are many things that can go so terribly wrong every day, and even thinking about it can be an incredibly terrifying experience, but it’s something we tend to ignore because we can do nothing else. We can’t stop, we can’t avoid the future that’s heading towards us at the insane speed of sixty minutes an hour.

Sometimes, we all wish the future came by a little slower. Or even a little faster, depending on just how interesting our lives are at any given moment. “May you live in interesting times” can indeed be a curse. But living a life where nothing ever happened, good or bad, wouldn’t be worth living.

A perfect life is one of ups and downs, but above all it is one of experience and learning. This world was not designed for perfection, nor intended as such. It’s a place in which we exist to learn and grow, to become better equipped to handle our future, even if that future, ultimately, is death.

There are no real goals in life, except the ones you set yourself. The ones you set yourself completely unaware of what the future may bring you. They may be easier than expected, or even impossible to accomplish. But in the end, the journey is everything, because achieving a goal just means you need to find a new one. After all, you can’t ever really stop.

You can’t even give up, because even that is a goal you’d need to accomplish. Every moment is a decision, a decision that can’t always be considered good or bad. We are limited in our perspective. We can’t see everything that’s in the past, nor even in the present. We certainly can’t predict the future. But we try to do so with every moment that passes, even when we’re not aware of it.

Everyone. Including you.

Once you figure this out, there’s a lot more you can learn. Like why some people act like they don’t care about anything. Why people will face their problems head on, or why they’ll run away as fast as they can to avoid them.

We’re simple creatures, ultimately, all with similar goals, similar needs, and similar desires. We just express it differently sometimes. Even the people who seem to hate everything, really want nothing more than to be happy.

Some think money will make them happy. Others think it’s fame, or popularity, or some other meaningless goal. Some find what they’re looking for, some don’t. But we never stop looking, because we know things  can always be better than they are. We can always be better.

Some don’t think they can find their happiness, and they’ll give up searching. Some even give up on life, hoping for peaceful nothingness instead. Sometimes, we can’t see how anything at all could make us happy any more. When all seems lost. But when you think you can’t sink any lower, remember this: You have solid ground beneath your feet. You can only go up from here, unless you stay there, wallowing and alone.

People want to be happy. If you help them, chances are, they’ll help you.

Who cares how we’re supposed to live our lives? Right-side up, upside-down, our perspective is all that changes. Not what is and isn’t. So why worry what the right way of seiing things is, when every perspective is different anyway? Live the perspective which grants you happiness, not the perspective you think you’re supposed to have because ‘they’ tell you you should. Never stop dreaming.

There are many theories on why we exist, often boiling down to either chance or a higher power. Dice or God. We’re here for no reason, or we’re here to do something for some reason. Mankind as a whole has either a purpose, or none at all. To me, however, this ultimate reality makes no difference. I’ll live my life, long or short as it may be, just being who I am. Every choice I make, I make not knowing what my future holds for me. Not knowing what impact it has on mankind as a whole.

I’m ignorant of the higher reality of things. Why we exists, what we’re here for. I just don’t know. What I do know, is that I’m here with no real personal purpose. Perhaps I’m a tiny cog in a giant machine, but I’m no different from any other cog in the sense that I’m replaceable. If I were to die tomorrow, the world would go on, mankind would not cease to exist, it’d continue into a future unknown, leaving me in a place unknown.

What happens after my life or before it has little effect on how I’ll live it. I’ll make my choices looking for things that make me happy, doing the things I want to do. This is perhaps a selfish view. However, ultimately, every act of any person is a selfish act. We only ever (deliberately) do things which (we hope) will improve our lives in one way or another.

Why we’re here isn’t really a question worth answering, in my book. All I know is that I’m here to find happiness, silly as that sounds. Whether I find it or not is up to the future, though at present I could be doing a lot worse. Of course, there’s always room for improvement.

Democracy forever teases us with the contrast between its ideals and its realities, between its heroic possibilities and its sorry achievements.
- Agnes Repplier

I don’t believe in democracy. It’s an awkward system designed to let every person involved have a vote towards what happens to them. As if they’ll ever agree on any topic whatsoever. In theory, this sounds perfect. In practice, it’s not. Because, as always, people are not perfect. They’ll rarely know what they’re even voting for, and they can never trust that what they vote for will actually come to pass.

Most democracies vote for politicians rather than ideas. They vote for imperfect people who put forth perfect plans which are then executed imperfectly, or even not at all. This alone is enough for me to not bother voting at all. An imaginary stock in a corrupt company won’t do me any good. The system doesn’t work.

Of course, voting for ideas isn’t going to work either. It’s nearly impossible to put together a workable solution to a problem, that can be executed without a million problems. We can never account for every little detail required for a plan to be effective, so we muddle along with temporary fixes, never fixing the root of the problem, because this is practically impossible to do.

I’m not suggesting there’s a better form of government than democracy, because its alternative, a dictatorship, has its own flaws, which I doubt require explanation. But ultimately, the problem is the divide between theory and practice, as always. In theory, both democracy and totalitarian regimes can be effective, but they never are. And any middle way is just as inefficient and unlikely to succeed.

Every vote counts, maybe, but counts towards what, really?

Concepts often considered diametrically opposite to eachother. Concepts often misunderstood and misconsidered.
The above ideas share one common characteristic: Passion. If we choose to love or to hate, to do good or to do evil, we do so because, one way or another, we’re passionate about it.

The opposite to passion? Apathy.

Infinite plane, energy,
Trembling foundation,
Destruction, creation.
This is the beginning;
Is it the Hand of God?

The Question Everyone Asks, Eventually.

Why am I here? Why is anything here? Why is anything?

It’s perhaps a tricky question to answer, and everyone has a different perspective, myself included. So I’m taking the time to write them down, roughly explaining my perspective on everything around me.

I’ll start off with a tricksy question, one that gets asked a lot, in various ways.

Do I believe in God?

No. No, I do not. Equally, I don’t believe in monkeys, but I know they exist, I’ve seen them. As to God, no, I can’t say I’ve even seen pictures. However, I’m not absurd enough to claim certainty on anything, whether it be belief, disbelief, or lack of belief. Which are, in my opinion, different things each. To clarify a little: I don’t believe in God, as such. Whether God exists or not, is a different matter. My belief doesn’t drive God’s existence, nor is it required in any way for him to exist or not exist. If he does exist, I’m sure he’s happy with it. If not, then I doubt he cares.
Which, in turn, leads me to my own perspective: Whether monkeys believe they exist, and whether they exist or not, are unrelated things. Whether I believe they exist is yet again, different. But they’re not dependent on one another. So no, I don’t believe in God, but I don’t claim to know for certain whether he exists.

Next, I’ll give you my “answer” to the main question.

Why is anything?

I don’t know. And frankly, it’s not that important to me. I mean, sure, it’s interesting and really quite intriguing. Did God create everything, or did something else? If God created everything, then everything could be proof God exists. But if God didn’t exist, then everything is proof God doesn’t exist. Meaning, ultimately, everything tells you nothing. Arguing complexity is another futile issue: Either God is more complex than the universe he created, which would require an even more complex creator to create God. Ad infinitum.

And that, right there, is my personal theory. Ad infinitum. Imagine an infinite plane of existence, stretching out in all possible directions (Including those beyond the third dimension, perhaps). Now, this infinite plane contains absolutely nothing but pure energy. Essentially, it’s an infinite void of nothingness, containing an infinite amount of intangible energy.

Imagine what would happen if one tiny, tiny bit of that were to shift or change just a miniscule bit. You’d probably say that ‘nothing’ can’t become ‘something’ for no reason. But I’ll get to that later on. See, that tiny change is the start of a universe. Ours, to be exact. It’s possible there are others out there (On an infinite plane, it’s likely there is one, somewhere inside infinity.) This, you could call, the Big Bang. Tiny in comparison to infinity, but the start of our entire universe as we know it today.
Thus, we explain everything. Kind of. An infinite supply of energy that somehow got tapped into to create a lot of physical matter, for some reason.
The why is where it gets tricky. So yes, why did the universe get sparked to life?
Again, my answer is simple. I don’t know. But perhaps this is where I may start giving a few surprising answers. Because, if I were to guess, there are two basic possibilities as to what sparked the Big Bang, or whatever mechanism was set off to create our little universe.

Possibility one: Because it could.
This takes a bit of an explanation, perhaps. But essentially, it’s probability: If you wait for long enough, anything can happen, and I do mean anything. If you walk against a wall often enough, you may possibly eventually just walk through. This, of course, is infinitely unlikely to occur within the next billion years and you’re most likely dead far beyond that. Getting stuck partially inside the wall is actually likelier, but not by much. Anyway, I’m digressing from my point.
Probability can make anything happen, given infinity. And guess what, if there’s an infinite plane of existence with an infinite amount of energy? Yes, everything that can happen, will happen. Makes sense to me, in a weird way. Don’t ask me for details: I don’t know.

Possibility two: God did it.
Yeah, perhaps probability isn’t so much the right theory as it’s just a sentient creature who’s either incredibly bored or has an incredibly peculiar sense of humour, that lives in that infinite plane, who decided he wanted to create a universe, put us in it somewhere and watched what happened. This is possible. Everything is possible as per possibility one.
So yeah, long story short: Whether God exists or not, the spark that started the universe did happen, and that’s why we’re all here. Beyond that, I don’t know. God could exist, he could not exist. Whether he does is about as much of a concern to me as I might wonder if an ant might be devoured by a termite in Antarctica right now. It could be true, but I’ve no proof nor certainty.

Essentially, either infinity spawned God, who spawned the universe, or infinity spawned the Universe, who spawned the idea of God. That’s what I think, but I claim no certainty as to which one is true. I just think these are the likely options.

If there’s one thing I do not believe in, it’s certainty. I don’t believe I can be absolutely certain one thing is true, or another. I just think everything is possible. If you think you know better, then you’re welcome to try and convince me, but you’ll need some pretty damned undeniable proof to manage that. Whether you’re an atheist or a theist, you’re just as fallible as I am, no matter how strong you think your theory of Everything is.

We think we make choices. But this is in fact a misconception. Choices make us. Everything we decide, we decide for our own benefit, in one way or another. Choices, therefore, aren’t so much choices as they are means to improve yourself or your circumstances. We will always choose the choice that we think will make us better. This means that essentially, your choice will be made before you made it.

Choices make you better. Or at least, they make you better insofar as you hope or think they will. You won’t always make the right choice, or a choice that, in hindsight, you think you shouldn’t have made. But in the end, that ‘wrong’ choice made you into who you are today.

We change based on our choices, our responses to our circumstances and our realisations of who we are and who we think we should be. In that, we strive to become who we think we should be. We have no other choice.

Once you understand this, even if only about a few things rather than all of the things around you, you can reach a state of mind sometimes described as a feeling of sympathy or affinity with something. The ability to care about other things. Be it a person, a cat, or even just a well-written book, all things have inherent value in some way, and that value is nothing more than how much you care for it. It really is as simple as that, this seemingly-complex thing called love. It’s our ability to care.

The here and now is in the past before we even realise it’s now. But it’s always right where we are in time. It is then, perhaps, disconcerting to realise that the present is the one part in our lives that is always beyond our control. The past is something that doesn’t fluctuate, and it’s something we can control merely by understanding it’s the past. Each and every one of us can control the past by accepting that it is what it is and doesn’t change. The only thing that can change is that fleeting moment that decides our entire life: the present. The future is anything that hasn’t yet occurred, the past is what has already occurred. The present is change, chance, opportunity. It’s the only part of our lives we cannot control, and the only part of our lives where we actively make decisions.

We decide based on the certainty the past is what it is, and that the future is what it will be. But we never really stand still and think about the present. We can’t stand still in the present. Every single moment we stand still is a moment wasted. Reflection on the past teaches us valuable lessons, reflecting on the future gives us hope or despair. Reflecting on the present only gives doubt and often confusion. It’s a concept we don’t understand very well, which we only think of in relative terms. We don’t live in the present, we just live one moment ahead of the past, one moment before the future. That moment in and of itself has no real meaning to any of us. And yet it means everything. Everything we’ve ever done, we did in the present. Everything we neglected to do, we didn’t do in the present.

It’s the present that defines us, not our past or our future. The past defines what we know in the present, but it need not define who we are. Every moment is brand new, never the same as the last one, or the next. What we choose to do in the present is entirely up to us. Current actions are not decided by past or future. Influenced, certainly, but no more than we let it influence us.

What I’m saying is that if you want to be who you want to be, be it now. Think about who you’d be if neither your past or future mattered, who you want to be, and act accordingly.

Ultimately, I believe it is up to ourselves to give our lives purpose within this Universe, whether the Universe has a purpose or not. People overestimate their part in the world in some ways, underestimating it in others. We feel as if we’re somehow important to the Universe as a whole. Maybe we are, I don’t know. I don’t know much. Comparatively to what there is to know, I know nothing. I don’t know if there is a God, I don’t know if there’s life after death. Hell, I’m not even sure there’s life prior to death.

In most cases, people are alive, certainly. But do they truly live? Maybe. I don’t know what they do when I’m not there to see. Nothing beyond my perception is anything I can put comfort in. What is beyond my perception is beyond my control. Even then, I can rarely choose what I wish to see. My perception can deceive me at any point in time, or perhaps I deceive myself so as to not see what I perceive. Knowing that makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

That discomfort is most likely the reason people look for an explanation, a rationalization or just some comforting story to make it all seem a little less scary, a little less beyond control. Science, religion, or perhaps even just willful ignorance, it makes no matter so long as it gives comfort. I can’t say if it’s worth striving for some kind of beliefs about the Universe as a whole, but I can’t deny comfort is something that would be nice to have.

Whether it be science or faith, we all strive for a way to explain things we can’t comprehend. For me, I find small amounts of comfort in both science and religion, because I believe Complete Understanding can only be found in the sum of all knowledge, rational or otherwise. Sadly, I also believe no one human mind can ever contain all knowledge. For that, I hope, there will be an existence after death, an existence wherein we can relate to Everything more directly.

The details of my beliefs are fairly unique to myself, but they give me a very small amount of comfort. Just not enough to satisfy my mind, as of yet. I feel discomfort at my own existence, which is why I strive to understand what is around me before I look further. What is beyond my understanding is perhaps important to Everything, and Everything might be important to me, but I do not know what any of that could mean, as it is beyond me.

Why I’m here is something I’m not sure of. I’m not even sure what I am. I’m not a theist, nor an atheist, perhaps a pantheist. All I know is that I know nothing. This is my only comfort. My only comfort beyond the idea I do not truly need to know everything to be who I am. I’m me, my reason for being is to be me. Like Everything else, I exist because I do. What I choose to do is up to me.

As this little post becomes longer, I compose my own thoughts well beyond what I write here. It’s still a mess inside  my mind, but it’s my mind, a place where I am comfortable, because it’s the one thing I know. I know my mind, and that is all I know. That is all I need to know. The rest will do as it does and I will adapt to that without abandoning my own mind to anything.

Such is my faith, my discomfort, my mind and my duosyncrasy regarding my understanding.

Everything, every little thing, every big thing, and every thing in between. They’re all there, somewhere. And somewhere in that great big somewhere, there’s you. One of the littlest things there are to be found. And yet, that little thing you are is all you have, and all you’ll ever be. A frightening thought, to be so alone in such a vast place, with so many things, big and small, to stand in your way. Or to help you along. But really, it’s impossible to tell which is which, and what’s really what.

A game of chance, a game of luck. This place, big as it is, is impossible to predict. You can try, by hiding away and keeping everything simple. But that won’t always work. The simple things can’t always explain the difficult bits of everything. And every little thing is part of a bigger, more complicated thing, occupying a bigger part of somewhere. You see, everything is part of a problem, yet everything is part of the solution too.

But for a little thing like you, it’s impossible to see which is which, and what’s really what. Sometimes, everything seems bit darker than it should be.

Quite simply put, my idea of God is roughly equivalent to 42. Or for those who’ve actually read the books (If not, you really should, theist or otherwise), God, to me, is the Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything.

God is not a conscious entity. Merely the result of a singular goal, much in the way every little drop of water in a river flows from the top of a mountain to the sea. No thoughts driving it, just simple gravity. Of course, this is fairly oversimplified, but the basic theory still applies and can be applied to the Universe. Everything is governed by a set of interactive rules, all of which lead to a certain outcome. Just, thanks to the massive amount of uknowns (variables), one that is completely unknowable for one single miniscule variable in that equation.

To me, God is the outcome of that. Though more precisely, the process leading to the outcome.

My reasoning for this is mostly the fact how everything works together. This time, I do refer to the outcome, on any given scale. Atoms are formed in a seemingly-random way, which upon further examination makes perfect sense, given the rules of the Universe. Beyond that, molecules. More specifically, amino-acids. Somehow, for some reason, there is a fairly high likelihood these molecules will form, given the right circumstances. These molecules can in turn be used as the basic building blocks to single-cell organisms, which are the building blocks to animals, humans, to Life itself.

This process may be purely incidental, but really, why does it all fit so neatly together? Layer upon layer of  our reality intermeshes perfectly, allowing for the complexity of not just Life, but stars are born in much the same way. These stars may even have a level of sentience, for all we know. We can’t prove it, but the facts remain: The Universe is incredible and can hardly be entirely coincidental.

Therefore, I believe there is a greater Meaning to life. In short, I’d call it Free Will, rather than God. Free Will isn’t a person. It’s a concept. It’s not even necessarily sentient. It can apply to anything.

The belief in a God bothers me. I’m not an Atheist, but I’m not an Agnost either. Oddly enough, I’d say the Jedi belief is rather more correct than more common Theistic religions in the sense that if there is a God, it is not a Man. Intelligent Design, in my opinion, is quite likely, but to say the Designer made us in particular in ‘His’ image is an absurdity. Why us, the ants of the Universe, and why not the ants of Earth? There are more of them than of us at any rate.

Anyway, the point I want to make here is that I’d sooner think the Purpose or Design of the universe is a Force, the Energy behind it all, that makes it all possible in a way that just seems to work. Another thing about Jediism is the fact it does away with simplifications like Good and Evil, to some extent. People don’t all conform to one exact belief about how everything is supposed to be, just about how it is. It’s a religion of sorts where the point isn’t to tell you how you should live, just a rough explanation as to why it’s possible.

Looking at how Life works, it’s incredibly unlikely there wasn’t some sort of Design involved. Intelligent or not, what happens on a molecular level to achieve Life, and the apparent chaotic order that reigns on that level of each individual cell of one’s body is amazing.

The Force, in my eyes, seems a far more reasonable explanation than some guy high up in the sky that made everything in a week. Even all the power in the Multiverse cannot work faster than it can. And even if it could, where would be the fun in that? It’d all be over in the blink of an eye, and nothing would happen.

What I’m not sure about, is to what extent our lives are Forced on us, the extent of our free will. Though really, this largely depends on your definition, again, something that is an individual choice, and not something that should be indoctrinated by any religion.

Edit: Found a more accurate word to describe my lack of both atheism and traditional theism: Pantheism.

Thinking is what’s most often done while waiting. But sadly, rarely do people bother thinking about anything relevant to anything in particular. Sometimes, they’ll contemplate something important to them, but this happens far and few in between.

Contemplating matters that are important to you is something well worth doing when you’ve nothing better to do. Question your political views, your religion, recent choices or potential future ones. Use the time you have, rather than waste it. It’s as simple as that.

Overall, I’d say my own life pretty much sucks. But I’m not unhappy, because I’m making it better, constantly. Many people strive for ‘happiness’. People define of happiness as a static mindset, yet they forget life is dynamic. It’s ever-changing, and that’s what makes it interesting. I strive to better my life. There’s a distinct difference many people wouldn’t quite understand. Happiness isn’t a state of mind. It’s a process.

Another oft-made mistake is being unhappy. This is a state of mind which tends to propagate itself. When you’re unhappy, you start thinking unhappy thoughts. A vicious circle, a downward spiral. Either way, unhappiness is overrated. It’s not as tough to be happy as people seem to think. It’s a matter of focus.

Looking for the silver lining may seem to be silly in the face of a storm, but you can’t have a rainbow without rain. The bad things usually seem worse than they are, but there are many, many times where they make the good things stand out more. Embrace those times, rather than shoving them away to stare into whatever pit of despair you’ve found yourself in.

Find what’s good in your life and only then pay attention to the bad things in your life. A positive approach can help you find the answers you seek, which often are simpler than they may appear.
On the other hand, there are some things you just can’t influence. Never try to control the things you know are beyond your influence. Trying to control that which you cannot control will end up controlling you. Putting energy into something without reward.

My definition of happiness:
The process improving one’s life and the lives of others.
My definition of unhappiness:
Slavery.

In short, when something extraordinary happens to you, people seem to be drawn to you as if you’re actually more interesting than five seconds before. Even though you’re exactly the same person now as you were then. Just a circumstance that doesn’t adhere to the norm, and you’re special, and you get attention. Attention from people you’ve only ever met once, maybe, and whom you barely remember. Or other such acquaintances.

It’s rather annoying, really, the way people seem to look at you differently when you’re still the same person as before. When you’re still the same person they never cared to get to know until that something happened. Until you became special. Until you became you with a giant exclamation mark on your forehead.

Who cares? None of them, really. They’re just curious. Curiously though, they don’t even seem to care they don’t actually care. You could win the lottery, and have dozens of brand new friends as a result. But they wouldn’t be your friends, would they, if you hadn’t won. This is true for any occasion where you’ve had the sheer dumb luck to ‘acquire’ something that’s in some way unique or special, be it good or bad.

Interesting circumstances attract peoples’ attention. But that’s about all they’re good for. People are strangely shallow creatures, despite claiming to be the most social and civilized of beings on this little planet. We’re sentient, we have emotions, but do we actually care? It doesn’t seem that way. We’re all just self-serving, egotistical little creatures. We don’t care to know who’s won the lottery, unless it helps us in some way. We don’t care about things that don’t make us more important than others.

The little things are what makes life interesting, but people only seem to see the big things, the inconsequential things. This may sound backwards, but in my opinion it’s the little details that are everything, with the bigger picture being something to look at after the fact. Life is the act of painting that picture. And really, it may be a cliche, but it’s the path you walk, not the paths you could’ve walked that’s important. The big picture is irrelevant, because you’re only you, nothing more.

But is it wrong to be wrong? Surprisingly, this isn’t always the case.
It’s often quite good to be wrong, as it allows one greater insight into what is right. Knowing something, and realising something are very different things.
Right versus wrong, good versus evil, it’s never a clear matter, unlike what’s commonly thought. It may sound somewhat cliche, but there are shades to everything, not necessarily just gray. What’s good for one, is worse for another, though it also reflects neutrally on others. Everything affects everything. You may have heard of the butterfly effect: The smallest things can affect a great many situations in ways we can’t quite comprehend.

Imagine, if you will, some grand insight you attained regarding some personal situation of yours. You’re convinced you’re right. What would ultimately be better? Being proven right, or being proven wrong about your theory?
Most people would instantly say being proven right is better. I disagree. Being proven right too often can lead to overconfidence. And overconfidence can lead to foolhardiness, to foolishness itself. Willful ignorance over willingness to accept a different view.
Being proven wrong, however, can lead to a greater insight than your initial grand theory, an appreciation for nuances you would have otherwise overlooked.

There are however, upsides and downsides to either, as is almost always the case. Being proven right does not have to mean overconfidence, and being proven wrong isn’t always useful: Being constantly wrong is more foolish than refusing to admit a single wrong.

I hope this sincerely desimplified matters.

This is what I am
Formalities annoy me
No more

These thoughts are vague
Adequately presenting
My mind to readers

My mind is leaking
All words spill forth rapidly
My subconscious

Know implicitly
Hidden significance
Behind these few words

The next new chapter
Represents far deeper
Coherent thinking

Old words tire quickly
But represent challenges
Of historic size

Knowledge seeks you out
In the inverse abyss of life
Embrace all of it

See now, my young friend
This world is what it shall be
But not in the past

Monosyllabic
is what I seem to be now
when I read this; “Eh?”

I have no idea where it came from, closest I know of is my own mind. For some reason it makes sense, somehow. Don’t ask me, though, as I don’t have the foggiest. Do with it as you please, but if the results are particularly gruesome, please provide evidence towards that.

Nondescript, quiet,
utterly silent and alone.
Ticking, dark, alone.
Fear not the dark,
nor the lonely,
they mean no harm,
yet inflict it all the same.

It takes perhaps a word or two to explain,
but in the end it’s not quite right.
What’s said and done is never gone,
just in the past, perhaps where it belongs.

Let it stray,
let it flow,
but don’t ever close your eyes
to try and make it all go away.
It won’t, you see, it’ll stay.
It’s yours, it’s you, it’s all the same.

Truth.

Words lead nowhere but another sentence ahead,
unnecessary and meaningless.
Meaningless, except for all they’re worth.
Everything is explained.
Everything for all who know already what would’ve been spoken.
Still, nothing remains but silence in this realm of mine, this world.

Take care.

Religion, Justice. Self-serving ideals that often amount to the same thing.

Ideals are what they strive for. Yet, ideals are either black or white, and as such cannot be applied to gray.

I believe not in religion nor justice. I only believe in my own ideals and need not be told what others’ are. I infuse the world with my own black, my own white, but those only exist in my mind. Beyond that, everything is gray.
Justice is ideal in its ideals, flawed in its execution.
There’s always someone who ends up losing. The world isn’t black and white, as opposed to any ideals of justice and religion.

Religion. Justice. Defining all gray as either black or white. The result? The image fades, leaving nothing but jagged scars.

This is my opinion. Don’t condemn me for it. Instead, learn from it if you can. I may be right or wrong in your eyes, either can teach a lesson, though both make the gray it truly is.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ll probably be writing random stuff here, most likely some short tales as well, if not more silly weirdness.